


Your name is Dirk Strider and you have fucked up

by valerian_valentine



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fluff, Its shitty, M/M, Smuppets (Homestuck), davesprite is a birb, idk - Freeform, ive had this sitting in my drafts for like two years, mitt romney is mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-09 02:02:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18907249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valerian_valentine/pseuds/valerian_valentine
Summary: fluffy dirkjake shit i guess idk





	Your name is Dirk Strider and you have fucked up

Your name is Dirk Strider and god damn you have fucked up so god damn badly. Like more than fucking usual. Yes, lots of fanfics with you starts out with you fucking up but thats because no matter what, in every fucking universe, you fuck up. You fuck up constantly. Its a talent. A shitty talent that always ends up with someone crying. But never you. Youd never cry ever because youre a badass and never cry in the dark in your closet while shoving a pillow in your mouth so no one can hear you and you can easily get rid of the evidence with a dark pillow case. Never ever did that in your entire life because you are an amazing dude and dont cry ever because your tear ducts are welded shut with sheer force of amazingness and irony. But this time, in this moment, in this universe, you have ultimately fucked up.

It started out as just hanging out with your bro, Dave, which soon turned into sibling teasing and then bets. Dave bet you that you couldnt last a day with Jake, your crush, while you bet your bro that he couldnt last a night of watching shitty romcoms with mcfucking grumpy pants mcshitstain. Aka, your neighbor Karkat Vantas. Of course, being honorable men, neither of you backed down from the challenge. You  _ thought  _ you were being sneaky when you hacked into your brothers phone and acted as him, making plans with mcshouty pants for a date tonight at his house(of course mcshouty pants agreed since mcshouty pants was a single parent that just wanted to hang with a Strider and watch shitty romcoms) but no. Cause life hated you. Your bro went behind your back, got into your phone and arranged a fucking  _ sleepover. _ What were you, fifteen year old dorks who have way too much free time from being homeschooled?....... Yeah. That was exactly what you two were. Of course, your bro only homeschooled you so paparazzi would stop shoving their cameras in your face 24/7 and you could actually challenge yourself. But thats not important right now because right now, you were running around your shitty and surprisingly dirty apartment. Your bro had already left to go woo mcshouty pants so you were left to clean everything like you were some fucking homo erotica version of Cinderella. You have the bandana around your head to keep hair out of your face, the windows were open for the first time since after your birth to air out the weird smells and you were even holding a fucking feather duster like an idiot. It was exactly like a shitty, lowfunded, homo erotica version of Cinderella. 

Of course, you decide to roll with this new aesthetic and tie the ends of your shirt together around your chest so your tum tum was exposed. You then dramatically turned towards a puppet casually laying on the floor. “Oh. Why, hello there mister prince. I am but a simply twink with no money. Whats that you say? You want to ravish my body tonight in front of all of these suddenly pantsless men?” You say dramatically and gesture towards the other puppets in the room. “Well, its a crime to turn down a request from the prince of Smuppetlandia. Oh no, would you look at that? The clock strikes twelve and suddenly, I am naked despite only returning to my regular clothes at the last stroke of midnight cause its not like its mentioned a fuck ton of times in every movie and story but this is still a homo erotic version of Cinderella so who the fuck cares?” You ask no one. Before you can let your body be metaphorically ravished by puppets, your alarm goes off, warning you to hurry the fuck up with cleaning before Jake, a green eyed mircale of biology and evolution and natural selection, gets here. 

You quickly undo your shirt ties and shove the puppets under the couch and throw a few in a broom closet. Theres a joke there but now is not the time to make it. You place a dark blanket over your birds huge ass cage so itll just go to sleep and not ruin literally everything. Unlikely given your luck. You triple check your snacks, your living room, your bathroom, your hallway and your other bathroom to make sure everything was amazing and clean. Wait. Your bedroom. You bolt to your bedroom and see that you were too distracted on your homo erotic version of fucking Cinderella that you forgot to clean your room which had swords, puppets, dirty clothes and robot parts thrown everywhere. You quickly start making a plan. Get rid of the swords first, then the dirty clothes, then the robo parts then the puppets. Should be easy. You grab as many swords you can carry without seriously scratching up the wall and you carry them to your bros room, dumping them on his bed. You feel like theres a pun here. Knife to see you? No these are fucking swords. Get your puns right, idiot. Anyway, you grab the dirty clothes and also throw them into your bros room because… Revenge?

You shove robot parts under your bed and just as you get your puppets in a nice and neat pile to pick up, your doorbell rings. Its Mitt Romney, your secret lover!!!! Gasp!!!! Hes here to ask you to marry him so he can finally ravish your body for all the  republicans to see! Psh, no its just Jake but it would be easier if it was Mitt Romney and not a living angel that was cursed to walk this unworthy earth because he was too perfect for heaven and Jesus got jealous of his wonderful hair. But, in a moment of gay teen panic, you decide to just dump all the puppets out the window so Jake doesnt have to see your weird obsession. Those poor innocent bystanders.

You pretend that you didnt just do that and lower your blinds so Jake doesnt see the puppet carnage below.

You quickly and silently run to the bathroom and get rid of your Cinderella hair band and splash cold water on your face to tone down the redness on your face then fixed your hopelessly stupid hair. Fuck, have you always looked this stupid? The answer is yes but there is no time to get new genetics or plastic surgery….. Probably. You quickly go to the front door, silently count to ten then open it nonchalantly and fuck.

 

Your name is Dirk Strider and this is the day you die. The embodiment of everything good in the world is standing way too close to your door, smiling like a puppy that just ate a flower. Or an otter that just spent three hours playing and is now getting the most premium of belly scritches or a child that just got a fuck ton of stickers. Basically, he looked extremely happy. Before you could speak, the embodiment of perfection hugged you.

“Greetings chap! I see youve cleaned up the place! I can finally see the floor and not be greeted by puppets no matter where I look!” Jake exclaimed and let go of your poor weak body. You were 1,000% positive that you were blushing and you were also going to fall from the sheer amazingness of a green colored universe shoved inside an angel. Your acne covered face was so not prepared. You swallow the lump in your throat and try to not die on the spot. “Hello English. Yes, I have cleaned but only to save you from the nightmare that was my dirty ass apartment. You just missed a crew of scientists who came to study the fungus that was growing on our walls and study the disastrous atmosphere that is the essence of my apartment.” You say and cross your arms so you wont be hugged again and risk falling down or kissing him. Jake, of course, just smiled and took off his coat as he stepped inside, moving to open the nearest closet to put it in there. “Wait Ja-!!” Before you could finish your warning, Jake was caught in an avalanche of sweet plush rump of puppets. You stare at your crush, who is now on the ground.. Drowning in puppet ass. Jake let out a muffled cry for help, slowly crawling from the pits of puppet ass. “HOLY FUCKING DICKENS WHY THE EVER LOVING GARBONZEEL BEANS OF  BARBARA STREISAND WOULD YOU HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF PUPPETS?!”

You gulped. Well, shit. “Uh…. Ironic purposes.” You say and watch as Jake clawed his way out of the pile of lowkey sex dolls. “Good gravy Dirk! What type of puppet is this anyway?” Jake asked and dusted himself off before picking up a smuppet by the dong. Yikes. 

“A hella sweet one. Get it together English, youre acting like youve never seen such a magnificent thing before.” You say, taking the smuppet and tossing it.. Somewhere. Unfortunately, life wants to seriously fuck you over today by making the smuppet hit DS’s big ass cage causing him to wake up with a startled shriek. Beautiful. Perfect. Fine. This was fine.

“Dear Scarlet Johansson, what was  _ that _ noise?!” Jake nearly yelled, looking ready to fucking bolt and never speak to Dirk again because why would he? You tried to remain cool and shrugged, walking over to DS’s cage and peeking under the blanket to check on DS.

“Hey dude, you okay? Smuppet startle you?” You ask the giant ass bird calmly before slowly taking the blanket off, revealing the gorgeous lutino macaw. You heard Jake gasp behind you but ignored it in favor of lighting petting DS’s beak through the bars of the cage. DS was very rarely put in hi cage but Dirk had requested it so DS wouldnt freak Jake out but that was inevitable. DS was pretty chill about it though. His full name was Davesprite Isabella Strider but you usually just called him DS. DS was fairly beautiful but still in recovery from his previous owner. He had some nasty wounds when your brother first got him but the two of you spent a long time patching him up and it was paying off. One of DS’s wings was either torn or burned off so he couldnt fly that well but he got around pretty well. He enjoyed hopping around and screaming at people until they walked over so he could hitch a ride on them. He was a big boy, around forty inches from head to tail and acted like he knew it, always walking around trying to intimidate the smuppets then squawking when you set one near him. He was smart as well, knowing your name and your bros and even being able to tell the difference between you two, he could open the fridge door, he could turn on the sink, he could open the blinds, he could turn on the tv, everything. He was named Davesprite due to the fact he acted a lot like your bro. So much that you had said Davesprite was like if Dave was put into a video game sprite so your bro stuck with that and boom, Davesprite was born anew.

Davesprite did a little flap of his wings and shuffled on his perch, eyeing Jake. It was obvious DS was left with some hardcore mental abuse. He didnt like strangers but would tolerate them if you asked him to, he always panicked if he was left in the house alone for too long and would pluck his own feathers out when anxious. The poor birb. Thankfully, you and your bro took good care of him.

Jake stood behind you nervously, eyeing DS like he was going to attack at any second. “You never mentioned you had a bird..” He said and laughed a bit. An anxious laugh. You shrug and whistled a bit at DS. “His name is Davesprite. Wanna see him out of his cage?” You ask and close the windows, watching Jake for any sign of ‘fuck no’. “He’s hella friendly and we’re trying to get him used to other people. He wont hurt you on purpose and is sweet as fuck. Although if you startle him by moving too suddenly, yelling or taking a fight stance then he will try to chase you out. Also don’t move too suddenly towards me. Roxy did that last time and he straight up tried to scratch her eyes out. He doesnt play.” You say as you finish closing the windows. DS started getting bouncy, knowing that closed windows meant open cage. Such a smart dude.

Jake gulped very loudly and obviously tried to look cool. “I can handle him. Hes very pretty. What breed is he?” Jake asked and took a deep breath. You hold back a smile and walk over to DS’s cage, quietly whistling to him which he mimicked. “Lutino macaw. He’s legit. You ready? He might wanna hop on your shoulder and investigate so be ready for that.” You say and once Jake gives you a nod, you open DS’s cage and hold your hand out to Davesprite. He cheerfully jumps onto your hand and shuffles up to your forearm. He looks at Jake curiously and bobs his head, fluffing his feathers a bit. Jake looked nervous as he slowly approached DS.

“Well, hello there beautiful..” Jake whispered and you saw an opportunity.

“Jake, I think you should greet the bird and not me but I appreciate the compliment.” You say. You nailed it. Nothing you ever say in life will top this. You watch as Jake flushed and stumbled over his words. “Dirk! I  _ was _ talking to the blasted bird!” He said but you werent really paying attention anymore, giving DS a good scritch behind the ears to calm him down. Jake slowly walked over which caused DS to slowly shuffle further up your arm to avoid him.

“Davesprite, this is Jake. Jake isnt gonna hurt you dude. He’s chill.” You say to DS and slowly guide him closer to Jake. After a few seconds of wary side eyeing and fluffing, Davesprite slowly climbed onto Jakes hand then quickly made his way up, sitting on Jakes head, sitting his ass down and looking proud as all fuck. Jake looked ridiculously nervous like DS was going to explode any second and his expression made you smile a tiny bit.

“Chill. He’s just making your hair into his new nest where he shall lay his eggs and make awesome hybrid babies. Fuck yeah.” You say and smirk. Jake was about to say something when Davesprite started quietly wrapping to himself which just made Jake look confused.

“I’m sorry dear chum but is your bird.. Rapping atop my head?” He asked in that adorable as fuck accent and you fake scoff. “Why wouldnt he rap hella sick beats atop your head?” You ask rhetorically and cross your arms. “He enjoy rapping more than singing. Be grateful bro, he only raps on people he really fuckin’ likes.” You say and watch as Jake tries to convince Davesprite to perch somewhere else and not mess up his hair.

 

Your name is Dirk Strider and maybe you didnt fuck up too much…

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


At least, thats what you thought until your bro ran in with a smuppet on his face and a the most furious look he could give you while still looking cool.

You forgot you threw all those smuppets out the window.


End file.
